Movie Review: Paranormal Activity
My father called me a couple weeks ago and told me I had to see this new horror movie. He told me that Paranormal Activity was an underground sensation that has been taking the country by storm. Well, my dad is not particularly in the know, so I just ignored him. Then I was checking the horror blogs (a Friday morning ritual in my office at the publishing house), and I discovered it. There it was on the (web)pages of my favorite horror blog. Final Girl’s Stacie Ponder says, and it must be so. She says, “Yes! This movie did make my eyeballs have heart attacks!” So of course, I headed to the theater immediately, best friend in tow.
As I’ve mentioned before, seeing a horror movie in New York can provide one of two experiences. At a particularly bad (I mean bad bad and not good bad) horror movie, you are usually greeted with exceedingly irritating teenagers who wouldn’t know real horror if it walked right up to them and removed their left arms with an old chainsaw. If you are attending a good horror film, then you are usually surrounded by people like me. We take the horror-viewing experience seriously, and we don’t fuck around with bullshit talking. We are not screamers, and we do not jump. We simply experience the horror movie.
For some reason, Paranormal Activity brought both the douchebag losers (those teenagers) and the dork losers (me and my posse). It was an interesting Monday night crowd at Empire 25 in Times Square. And we settled in for a film that was sure to blow our minds right out of our skulls.
Well, it did not blow our minds right out of our skulls. It did not make our eyeballs have heart attacks. Yes, yes, I realize that I and my posse are impossible to really scare. I recognize that most people are not so well-seasoned, and because of this, horror of this sort might be utterly terrifying to some, but no, it did not change my entire opinion of horror films, etc., etc., etc.
Now, this is not to say it has nothing to offer. The film offers many good creep-me-out moments. It boasts the least boring performances I’ve seen in some time-even if the dude is the biggest, dumbest, douchebag on the block. I mean, really, why in the hell would anyone provoke the potential demon terrorizing his girlfriend? But even though we hate him, we know he is realistic. Every dumbass dude with a girlfriend with a demon on her back would act like he has control of the situation precisely because he is terrified of it. The good stuff is present in the way it was in the good old days. Strange noises are the things of terror in this film. And they are quite frightening. Unseen entities (no, not like The Unseen) are the things that fill your imagination and maybe even you nightmares.
Come to think of it, there is not much at all wrong with this movie. It’s definitely creepy. It’s definitely more “real” than any horror flick I’ve seen in ages. The trouble is, it just isn’t that new. And that’s the exact thing it’s supposed to be. Yes, I know, I have given in to hype and my discussion of the film is largely based on what it did not do that was promised to me. This is why I am countering my entire article by saying, yes, this is a good movie.
So what’s my problem, you ask? Well, maybe I am just totally jaded, and I can’t be scared by anything that doesn’t live inside my head. Maybe I’m an elitist asshole. Maybe any movie that does not feature the death of someone I hate is just not good enough for me. Maybe it’s just the lack of dead children. But this movie is not one I will need to see again. And that, for me, is the kiss of death for a horror movie.
