Top 10 Actors We’d Love to See Get Beat Up on MTV’s Bully Beatdown
MTV does a clever little show called Bully Beatdown where they bring together bullies and their victims for the ultimate showdown. The idea is that Bullies can pick on the small and the weak, but can they handle a trained, professional fighter? When they enter the ring — fighting for pride and for cash — will these bullies have what it takes? Or will they get a taste of their own medicine?
We thought that concept was interesting and decided to put a little spin on it by figuring the Top 10 celebrity actor/actresses we’d love to see get F***ed up on the show. Bring on the Beatdown celebrity style. Now keep in mind we do not really wish ill thoughts on any of these folks and that this article is the opinion of the author and doesn’t reflect that of Fused Film or any of its partners.
10. Woody Allen
I actually enjoy his films and wit, but since he’s managed to figure out how to land himself opposite almost every beautiful woman in Hollywood standing at a measly and emaciated 5′2” (or whatever the hell he is) while the rest of us couldn’t even get Scarlett Johansson to say hello to us if she was 2 feet away much less get her to make out with Penélope Cruz on camera…well, fuck Woody. Oh yeah, that stepdaughter thing was rather repugnant too. Mia, this beat down is for you!
9. Seth Rogen
Dude, you were cool in Freaks and Geeks. You were cool in the 40 Year Old Virgin. Then you arrived on our screen…again, again, again, and again. Every time we went to the movies you were there in your new trailer. From the painfully un-funny Pineapple Express to the Paul Blart: Mall Cop reboot, i.e. Observe and Report. No one likes to be forced fed. You’re like the Matthew McConaughey of chubby dorks and we’re supposed to believe that you could knock up Katherine Heigl, score with Elizabeth Banks, and don the mask of the Green Hornet. Seriously, how much weed do you think we smoke? We’re not buying it and we’re tired of buying you.
8. Tyrese
As an actor, fashion model, and R&B singer, Tyrese is basically everything we’re not. He’s pretty and he knows it and, what’s worse, he acts like he knows it. So, why not introduce him to Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva and see if he can’t ugly Tyrese up a bit.
7. Robert Pattison
We don’t care how pale you get. You’re not hot. You’re still a Harry Potter geek-not a super cool vamp. The only thing about you that’s living dead is your friggin’ brain. We hear you’re dumber than a box of rocks, i.e. Paris Hilton. Seriously, after watching an interview with you I start missing George W. Bush speeches. However, your real sin against humanity is the unleashing of an army of hysterical, hormone-fueled, Hot Topic tweens into the mainstreams of pop culture. We finally had them contained-isolated in their black-light-lit rooms, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, and cutting themselves to the newest My Chemical Romance song. And you let them loose. Thanks a lot…you fucking douche bag.
6. Susan Sarandon
This somewhat thin, saggy-skinned female version of Michael Moore who hasn’t really been hot since the seventies has decided that her bachelor’s degree in drama from The Catholic University of America entitles her to being a political activist. I’m not sure why. Maybe because that particular university happens to be located in Washington D.C. and she feels entitled by proximity. Perhaps it’s because she was born a year after the end of WWII (though she still dresses like she was born after the advent of the VCR) and she feels entitled by history. I don’t really know why she thinks I care so much about her political opinions, but I do know that I’m sick of listening to them. So, in order to fix that, we’d like to see Gina Carano plant a Muay Thai knee on Sarandon’s jaw, which will hopefully result in it being wired shut…for all of time.
5. Christian Bale
This is the one person on the list who actually qualifies as a bully. Accused of assaulting his mother and sister, Bale was arrested, but later released by police. The case was dropped because of a lack of evidence. However, Bale’s temper was evident during the infamous Terminator 4 outburst. Granted, numerous actors and directors came to his defense-claiming that crew members are to remain still during filming. Cool. I can dig it. Acting takes concentration. It’s hard to maintain your persona if Joe Cameraman is walking around in the background, but seriously? Does that transgression really merit that kind of a psychotic response? How freaking spoiled do you have to be to think that a mistake merits that kind of rebuke? Guess what mister-ironically-named Christian? We all work with idiots. We all have to endure stupid, annoying mistakes on a daily basis. The rest of us, however, understand that no matter how big of a mistake a coworker makes it doesn’t entitle us to Ike Turner them. Well, let’s see how you like eating some cage Batman.
4. Alec Baldwin
…See Susan Sarandon, but add a penis…
3. Jessica Biel
Back in May, Ms. Biel revealed that she feels held back by her amazing good looks. She’s just so hot that people are afraid to hire her. Well Jessica, meet Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. She’s going to take care of that for you.
2. Shia LaBeouf
Besides sounding like he shares a stage name with a Tuesday-afternoon stripper from a Bourbon Street topless bar, Shia has had the extreme luxury of starring opposite of Michelle Monaghan, Megan Fox, Amy Smart, and Sarah Roemer as well as landing coveted roles in the long-awaited Indiana Jones sequel and Oliver Stone’s Wall Street 2. Has he showed his gratefulness for this life? No, however, he has managed to make an ass out of himself at a Walgreens (of all places), land a failure to appear charge, and mangle his finger after wrecking his car, which nearly held up production on Transformers 2. Conclusion: Whoop His ASS!
1. Tom Cruise
Scientologist-enough said. Well, and there’s this:
